Harry Potter and the Overdone Plotline
by ellemennop
Summary: American exchange students. Truth or dare. Sudden personality changes. Outrageous lemons. Author insertion. Two-dimensional OCs. Slash. Funfetti. A complete disregard for everything canon. All the Marauder cliches, plus as dash of insanity.
1. Intros and a Healthy Dose of Funfetti

Once upon a time there was a girl named Lily Evans with green eyes and thick red hair who this writer feels the need to describe at the beginning of their story because it's not like anyone's ever read the book and knows this tidbit.  
On this particular morning, Lily was sitting in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express with her best friend, Moonshine-Sunflower-Fairy-Twinkle-Rainbow-Face Smith, who everyone knew as Beth. Beth was by far the more attractive of the two girls, with long blond flowing locks that cascaded majestically down her back and a pair of startlingly violet eyes that always seemed to catch the light in an alluring manner. Men often simply fainted in her wake, dropping like flies onto the cold concrete and obtaining minor head trauma. Beth was, at the moment, gazing at her reflection in a small silver compact and commenting on her perfectly formed eyebrows which she had spent all the previous evening attacking. Lily seemed completely oblivious to the fact that her friend was a shallow bitch and continued to stare out the window at the random Irish country side passing by with all the little Yiddish farmers and such.

"OW!"

An expletory containing a harsher word than the rating will allow rang through the whole fucking train as Sirius Black burst in through the door to their compartment and crumpled to the ground, a bright red handprint shining on his left cheek. The cheek on his face, you sicko. He picked himself up from the floor, dusting himself off gingerly and re-buttoning his shirt.  
"Tongs," he explained tersely.

James Potter galloped through the door after Sirius, having just finished a rousing rendition of "I Will Always Love You" at the top of his lungs. Looking around at the three puzzled faces staring up at him, since he was obviously on the ceiling imitating Spider Man, he shrugged and rumpled his hair casually.

"Potter, Black, what are you two doing in here!" Lily exclaimed, yanking James off the ceiling where he fell onto Sirius, putting both of them into a rather suggestive position.

"No wonder people think we're gay..." Sirius muttered as he shoved James off of him and took a seat next to Beth. "Hello random girl who I'm only just meeting even though we've been in the same house for over five years."

"Hi," Beth giggled back, batting her enormously long fake eyelashes back at him. "I'm Beth. It's so nice to meet you."

"Yeah, we'll probably fuck in a later scene," Sirius replied knowingly, glancing over at James, who had just realized that Lily was in the compartment and was proceeding to babble incoherently about the viscosity of butter.

"YOU SAID NAUGHTY WORD, LILY SMASH!!"

---

The end.  
Of the train ride.

---

TIMEMEMEMEMEM LAPSEESESESESESESE.  
And such.

---

The great hall was full of chattering students all awaiting the coming sorting when suddenly the story became Marauders-centered.

"I, James (insert random generic middle name here) Potter, shall have Lily as my bride, 'cause sixteen is so a perfect time to get married." James cried out, jumping onto the table in his enthusiasm. This odd display somehow went unnoticed by all the teachers and students except his three friends.  
"Prongs, give it up already!" shouted Sirius, pulling James back into his seat. "As your best mate, it is my job to crush your dreams of ever being with the girl whom you've been chasing after for the past six years, instead of giving you hope that love will prevail. So, I must say, it'll never happen."  
James seemed not to hear this, as he was now too busy building a mashed potato castle. Sirius sighed and returned to staring at a wall haughtily, by handsomely so.  
Without warning, the Great Hall doors burst open and a stunning girl rushed in, looking disheveled, but in a really attractive way. She wore blazing green robes with silver and blue sequins and a feather glued to it. She stopped between tables and looked around.  
"Sorry." she said breathlessly, flicking her shining ebony hair over one shoulder and fluttering the lashes of her sparkly pink eyes. "I'm the new exchange student from America, my name's Mary-Ella-Ribbon Dancer -Candy Stripe- Porcupine-Dove Johnson ."

" Golly gee she sure is pretty "James said, suddenly ignoring the fact that he was still in love with Lily just so the dialogue flows better.

"I agree there" Sirius said, nodding.

"Forizzle" interjected Remus Lupin, entering the story as quickly and conveniently as his soon to be love interest.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" the girl asked Remus, pointing to the seat that had just emptied next to him as a second year launched into the air in a flash of orange confetti.

"F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fine by me!" Remus stammered.

"Thanks,"  
She flopped down in the chair and began eating ferociously as though she had spent the last eight months de-worming orphans in Somalia. The three boys watched in awe as she practically inhaled an entire bowl of pudding, a turkey, and the arm of the girl sitting next to her. When she finished, she reached over the table and smacked Sirius full on the face.

"What the hell was that for?"  
"I dunno," she replied, "but you can call me Melanie. I'm an exchange student from America who decided to come to Hogwarts for some unexplained reason because the writer is usually too lazy to think of one. Or I'm on the run from the FBI. You pick."

"Wicked," James breathed, rumpling his hair. Half the table then broke out into a chorus of 'Defying Gravity", which was only silenced by the death glare of Professor Krueger, who was the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Melanie smiled. "I'm actually a werewolf too by strange coincidence, but you lot won't find that out until the full moon when Remus and I just happen to meet each other in the Shrieking Shack and have hot passionate werewolf sex, but you aren't supposed to know that yet."

"Okay," Remus replied, staring blankly at the launched second year, who had just landed in a heaping plate of Funfetti.

"Funfetti!!"  
James shrieked and dove towards the flattened delicacy, intent on salvaging any scrumptious morsel left unharmed. In the process, he knocked Sirius forward into Melanie, where they magically (Haha, MAGIC. Yeah, right.) touched lips, and they began snogging fiercely. Remus got up and slunk from the Great Hall, dragging James away from the Funfetti and muttering under his breath about hired assassins.

Professor Krueger, who was actually a Decepticon in disguise as a jolly yet slightly creepy magical defense teacher, smiled evilly to himself.  
"This is going to be an… _interesting_ year…"

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!11!!1!!one!!1!!


	2. Of Popsicles and Murder Plots

The continuous plot continues to be continuously Marauders-centered as the story continues later that night. The writer shall now continue.

"I am going to completely disregard the fact that Sirius is one of my best mates who knows my deepest and most shameful secret, accepts me for it, and has spent over two years tirelessly researching and experimenting in order to become an Animagus so that I wouldn't be lonely and hurt other people or myself proving in to me that I am not a freak, a menace, and/or a monster. I am going to kill him."

Remus Lupin was pacing around his dormitory haughtily, thumbing the shiv in his pocket left over from a long stint in a Los Angeles jail for drug possession and prostitution. Not that he really did it, anyway.

"Killing's so messy though," James replied as he stretched on his bed like a cute little fuzzy wuzzy kitty cat and rumpled his hair absentmindedly as his friend picked up _How to Drop a Nuclear Bomb on your Ex-Friend Without them Noticing _from the night stand and started leafing through it. "Not that I'd mind having Padfoot out of the picture so that I could be the 'hawt' one, but he's good to have around to crush my hopes and dreams of ever being with the girl I am so desperately infatuated with." He glanced lovingly at the Lily shrine he had constructed in the closet out of old gum and tissues. "Besides, it's not like she was your woman anyway."

Remus paused a moment in his task of sharpening a rather large axe on a Medieval grindstone he had constructed out of the shower curtain and contemplated this statement.  
"What if it were Lily he was snogging?"

"WHAT HE DO WITH LILY?!"  
"Nothing James, it was a rhetorical que-"  
"NOBODY KISS LILY BUT JAMES!!"  
"He didn't snog her James, get off the ceiling fan!"  
"JAMES SMASH DOGGIE!"  
"Look! Popsicle!"

Remus produced the frozen delicacy from his sock and waved it in front of James's face, which was now filled with glee as he jumped down onto his four-poster with rich leopard skin hangings adorned with Swarovski crystals, neon lights, and faux peonies, a lavish contrast to Remus's threadbare poly-nylon blend curtains. He proceeded to unwrap the popsicle, remove the stick, and stuff his finger into the hole where the stick had previously resided, creating a sort of demented puppet. Remus shook his head, laughing as he returned to cleaning and reloading his Uzi.

"Killing him won't solve anything." Popsicle-James interjected into his friend's increasingly maniacal laughter. "You know how Padfoot is. Offing him will just make that chick develop necrophilia."

"Yeah, I remember last time…" Remus nodded fervently. "But I have to do something to defend my honor. Because me am honorable like geisha." he added, bowing deeply.

"I dunno then Bro-seph, you could try public humiliation." suggested the popsicle while in the midst of a rousing tap dance on James' knee.

"EUREKA. I HAVE A PLAN."

This is a cliffhanger. Hang fuckers, hang.


	3. Deafness and a Change of Heart

The story now decides to follow Lily and her friends as it pulls the writer holding it's leash down onto the hard pavement and insists on sniffing and/or urinating on every single mailbox ever in existence ever. Ahem.

Lily and Beth were on reclining on the comfy chairs in the common room and talking to Melanie who had just returned from a fierce very public snog-fest with one Sirius Black. The three girls had become great friends despite the fact they had only been talking for thirty minutes, even if Melanie and Beth kept eyeing each other evilly and trying to out 'hot' each other.

"Oh my God, like how could you have kissed him?!?!" Lily shrieked and giggled, becoming a complete idiot at the mention of guys, because we all know that's what kind of person she is.

"I have no clue, Lils," Melanie replied, giving her a foofy nickname to make the comment more girly. Beth just muttered something about Melanie being a whore and went back to adjusting hr pushup bra to attract the attention of a rumpled Sirius, who had just entered the common room.

"Hi Sirius!" Melanie shouted into a megaphone, causing the group of third years a foot away to drop to the floor moaning and clutching their now bleeding ears. Sirius seemed to have not heard her somehow and went away to be a man-whore some more, but not before being slapped by a random 1st year girl

.  
"Golly-gee, he sure is a dream boat," Melanie said with a sigh, seeming oblivious to the fact that he had just completely ignored her.

"He's actually sort of an ass-hole who will probably dump you for the sluttier, blonder Beth in a little while, but of course he only does it because his friend wants to screw you and, let's face it, who wants to block their best friend's cock?" Lily said matter-of-factly as she suddenly regained her hatred of the Marauders and went back to being sensible. This comment was ignored by her company because they were both in a fierce silent competition of 'I'm a bigger whore than you are' and were wildly applying copious amount of makeup. Lily sighed and decided to go on a random walk around the castle alone and left, completely unnoticed by her friends.

As she walked down the silent corridor she had the sudden urge to walk into a random deserted classroom. Once she had entered said supposedly deserted room, she heard sniffles coming from the back corner and curiously walked forward. Wand at the ready, she was shocked to discover one James Potter putting a band-aid on a hurt 1st year, petting a kitten, signing a contract to donate money to a charity for poor blind orphans with puppies, giving blood, wearing a 'Save the Whales' shirt, and feeding the homeless, all while watching _Casablanca_ and crying. In short, he had become sensitive, caring, and morally centered.

"Wow, how sensitive, caring, and morally centered he is…" Lily muttered to herself. Before deciding against talking to the now much more attractive James and turning to leave, she contemplated her newly developed burning desire for him that had, in the span of three sentences, taken the place of her burning hatred for him.

She fluttered back to the common room in a daze, reaching the portrait hole and muttering the password, 'walrus mammary', to gain entrance. She froze halfway inside though, as a sound she wished she never heard reached her ears. Jasmine Inglehooperrododendrenpailflowermaxiumpenlityfranklin, a fellow fifth year, spoke up.

"I know, I found it hard to believe lyke, to lyke, yeah ,lyke, he, lyke, totally, lyke, asked me, lyke out and stuff, cause lyke omgeee it's lyke James freaking Potter." she gushed, adding the misspelled word 'like' an absurd amount of times to make her seem stupid and easy to dislike, because remember folks, Lily is our protagonist, and God forbid her random rival be normal.

And we now leave our heroine, currently standing in the portrait hole, wallowing in grief and blocking the only entrance to Gryffindor tower, in favor of another Marauders- centric episode.


	4. Ponies, Poofs, and a Little Paranoia

Thanks to those who review!

We don't own anything, not even the computer this is being typed on.

Lily, James, and Melanie by Paige. (me)

Sirius, Remus, and Beth by Tessa. (not me)

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The writer has now decided to embark on a random chapter containing diary entries from each character , because every person in this story obviously keeps a diary and/or journal into which they happen to spill all the secrets of the innermost crevices of their dynamic and complex psyches, revealing their deepest, truest feelings which, in this case, happen to be of undying love for the other diary writers, creating an intricate and multi-faceted Love Squectangle. Word.

_**Lily Evans**_

Dear Diary,

James Potter is the most disgusting human being it has ever been my misfortune to be within a five hundred-mile radius of. His face makes me want to vomit. Every time he speaks, millions of children in Somalia cry as their kittens burst into flames. I hate him. My hate for him blazes with the passion of a thousand suns showering millions of hate sparks across the universe of hate. No ocean can quench it, no feast can satisfy it, no whorehouse can slake the lust of my ardent hate for James Potter.

**Later:**  
I think I have miraculously fallen out of hate with James Potter in a span of twenty three minutes. Except now I've just fallen back into hate with him temporarily upon puking at the mention of his first name. And yet he's suddenly become so sensitive, caring, and morally-centered. Oh gosh, I'm losing it. I've only just noticed that I have a fiery, burning not-hate for the one person I've been determined to always not have not-hate for. My not-hate for him blazes with the passion of a thousand suns showering millions of not-hate sparks across the universe of non-hate. No ocean could quench it, no feast could satisfy it, no whorehouse could slake the lust of my ardent not-hate. Could this even be… toleration!? No, Lily, no. Get a hold on yourself. You are an upstanding, independent, feminist, self-sufficient, free-thinking young woman that talks to herself in second person who shall not be swayed into not-hate by the temporary actions of one so hate-worthy as James Potter.

HE'S SO FREAKING HOT THOUGH. Woah. That remark was way too effeminate for your character.

HIS VISAGE IS QUITE AESTHETICALLY PLEASING. That's better.  
What does he think he's doing dating that concubine Jasmine? She's not even pretty. And she said yes the FIRST TIME he asked her out. What a tramp. My usual standby is to wait until the guy asks you out at least twenty times, but I'll settle for seventeen if he's really cute. Which reminds me, James' visage is quite aesthetically pleasing.

…

I just called him James. With no addition of 'Potter', 'Toe rag', or 'Cocktease'.  
Where will this not-hate end? It's toleration now, but what's next? Acceptance? Approval? FRIENDSHIP?!  
No, I can't let that happen. No one can know of this wanton not-hate of James Potter.

-_LE_

_**Moonshine-Sunflower-Fairy-Twinkle-Rainbow-Face Smith (Beth)**_

Dear Diary,

So, despite the fact that I am a far too sexually appealing and whorish blonde with very little self respect and a willingness to be a total one night stand, Sirius still doesn't like me. He keeps like, ignoring me for that whore-slut-bitch-best-friend of mine, Melanie. I think my life is over because I am so completely shallow and two-dimensional that my entire existence is defined simply by how willingly hot guys want to do me. I think I should just move to Paris and become a tortured artist, bumming pennies off tourists and preaching about the apocalypse. I'd probably be happier. I don't know what else to do!

Lily is off in her dream world freaking out about God-knows-what in the corner and muttering about "hate" and "vomit" and "crying children in Somalia", and Melanie is a total bitch who is too busy being less attractive than me to really be much help, so I am completely alone in my sorrow and have no one to complain to… I mean console me.

God! I feels like someone ripped my soul out and played jump rope with it before flushing it down the toilet, plunging it back up again, forcing it to watch twelve hours of _Days of Our Lives_ on reverse, dragging it behind an ancient Roman Chariot while making it memorize _War and Peace_ and then throwing it into a blender and laughing as my inner most thoughts, feelings, and dreams are torn into pointless, insignificant, shreds on the sidewalk of humanity.

Wait-- I realize now what is happening. The only way any male in possession of a functional sexual organ could resist me... He's gay! Yes of course, Sirius Black is a total poof! Ignoring the fact that he often, and publicly, plays tonsil-hockey with many attractive females, it makes wonderful and perfect sense. Well, at least I know now, I should tot def ask him to go shopping with me, we'll be just like Will and Grace! Haha kthanxbye.

_xoxo Beth_

_**James Potter**_

Dear Journal-majiggy-type-thing,

'L' is for the undying love I feel. 'I' is for I love, and I feel it undyingly. The other 'L' is still for love, which I also feel eternally. And 'Y' is for, um... yeti. Love yeti.

I can't help this stalker-like impulse that bubbles forth from me all hours of the day like a cascading river of sunshine barf and bad acrostic poems. Every time I look at her, I just get enveloped by the red of her hair and the green of her eyes. It's like Christmas. Who doesn't like fucking Christmas? Though I don't really understand how we perform pagan rituals in the classroom on a regular basis and represent every thing that is considered blasphemous and heretical by the Christian church, and yet we still celebrate the birth of cute little baby-waby Jesus H. Christ. But that's beside the point.

I bet Lily is Jesus. She's so perfect. Or maybe she's an angel. Yeah, she keeps her wings hidden under her fashionable sweater vest and unfurls them at night when no one's watching, revealing their holy splendor of sparkly rainbow cloud fluff and things. And then she flies about in the dead of night saving the world from the evil of Sr. Tooth Decay, but returns just before dawn, weary from her travels but satisfied with the though that she has kept the world safe from the evils of periodontal disease for yet another day. It's got to be true! But how the hell to you get a holy messenger to go on one damn date with you? Jeez, this is gonna be harder than I thought.

*GIANT FLASHING LIGHT BULB*

Idea: maybe if I date a girl less worthy than Lily, God will get really pissed and almost smite us, but then realize that we are destined to be together, at least for a few weeks before I get totally smashed and cheat on her with some air-head and we have an explosive and messy break-up in the Great Hall much to the amusement and horror of all those who bear witness as she smacks me and my head flies off and lands in Professor Krueger's pudding. Or, you know, forever or something.

You know, deep down I'm not that bad of a guy. I know that at times I can be arrogant, pushy, destructive, murderous, criminal, cannibalistic, and toe-raggish, but lately I've been noticing that I've become more sensitive, caring, and morally-centered. I secretly enjoy chick flicks and the occasional pina colada or walk in the rain. The last time I cried was forty minutes ago, and the time before that was yesterday when I saw someone across the hall stub their toe. I really felt their pain.  
Maybe Lily would love me if she saw the sensitive, caring, morally-centered side of me. Oh who am I kidding, finding some random whore to make her jealous will work much better. It always does, right?  
I will one day be with my Snuggly-Poo-Snookums-Sweetie-Pie-HoneyBunchesofOatswithAlmonds-Cupcake-Darling. I must, or my name isn't James (Thurston) Potter!

_James P._

_**Sirius Black**_

Dear Journal… not in the least bit girly journal… a manly, not gayish journal where I can express myself and not be girly… which I am… not girly, that is… right?… Right??... RIGHT?!?!?!?!

Sorry, I felt an unexplainable and horrifically potent need to express my extreme not-girlyness due to a sudden feeling of losing a good lay with a slutty blonde chick… but I guess I'm just being too paranoid.

So oddly specific foreboding aside I have had a phenomenal first day. Excluding the several uncalled for slaps from random females, I have successfully made out with a hot American chick whose name I don't know and have no intention of ever finding out… even though we did do so on top of the food-laden House Table and now I have to comb mashed potatoes and funfetti out of my long, flowing raven locks.

I also feel a bit of discord brewing in my little group of chums. James is in the corner of the room sacrificing a goat to his Lily shrine as usual, but I find that Moony is acting a bit hostile towards me. I suppose it may just be another of my odd paranoia. I mean aside from the hundreds of handwritten death threats and the decapitated head of a shockingly realistic voodoo doll of me I found in my bed , I guess he really hasn't shown any true anger towards me, but I just get the feeling.

Owww… damn it… why does everyone feel the need to slap me….God and this time it wasn't even a chick, just Peter in a wig and his mum's dress. I guess it's my sexy. It's just so great those girls feel the uncontrollable need to touch me, and they get over-excited and end up hitting me… yeah that's it… it's totally not because I'm a complete man-whore who has very little respect for most of the many girls he has fooled around with... Yeah, I'm gonna go stare at my endless good looks in yonder mirror and pretend that Peter isn't doing a runway walk in that dress and Moony isn't sharpening that meat cleaver and staring at me with wicked intent, and so I bid you a manly and testosterone filled 'Toodles'.

_-S_

_**Mary-Ella-Ribbon Dancer -Candy Stripe- Porcupine-Dove Johnson (Melanie)**_

My Dearest Diary,

My life is over as I know it because Daddy didn't get me a new flying pony before he was murdered by Lord Voldemort. Now how am I gonna get one?! And it sucks, because I just recently rediscovered him after he abused my pregnant mother and set her on the streets to be a crack dealer, where she had me and taught me how to hustle.

It wasn't that bad though because I'm a metamorphmagus and could transform into hot girls when I got lonely. My normal appearance is shining ebony hair with rainbow tips, sparkly pink eyes, a lip ring and a 'Thug Life' tattoo on my lower back (It's so tot cute!). I finally met my father when I was working my nine-to-five as a meth chemist for the homeless; I recognized him immediately because I'd had a premonition that we'd meet in the near future. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that I'm a seer, too?

Well anywayz, my Daddy came to find me and took me off the streets when I became an orphan after Mom accidentally skewered herself through her eye to her brain with her mack-daddy's wand in the middle of the night. It was then that I found out that he was actually the Supreme Chancellor of Wizard America, making me basically Princess. I was finally where I belonged, being adored by the whole wizarding community, and then the muggle community too once I scored a guest spot on Hannah Montana and they were so impressed that they kicked old Smiley Whatsherface off and made me the lead.

That all changed last Thursday, when Daddy was out late again at one his strip backgammon games. I was just dismissing my personal 'Tell me I'm pretty' maid, when suddenly Fenrir Greyback and his boyfriend, L'Armandstat, jumped in through the window and pounced on my fragile female form. I was able to send them running with my awesome unicorn-kitten patronus, but not before they had turned me into a werewolf. Then I got the news that Daddy was dead and I cried because I knew there was no way I was getting my pony now.  
So they shipped me off from American to come to Hogwarts. James and Sirius are like so in love with me already, they wanna make me an honorary Marauder!

I heart England!

_Love,_

_Your favorite metamorphmagus/seer/princess/werewolf/honorary Marauder_

_**Remus Lupin**_

Dear Diary,

I have, as of today, decided to murder one of my best friends. No, it's not for revealing the fact I am an uncontrollable monster. No it's not for the mass murder of those I care about. He hasn't even called me a dirty name. It's something much worse: he soooo stole a pretty girl who I saw first and was gonna claim…eventually. But I am of course undyingly in love with said new girl whose name I can't recall but whose sparkly pink eyes and horrible personality draw me in. So I must murder Sirius Black to gain her for myself because nothing draws a girl in like cold-blooded murder! My plan is a simple three step process.

1) Humiliate him.  
2) Capture him and reveal plot.  
3) Kill him.

Now the finer details of said plot I will work out as I sharpen various Medieval torture devices in the lair of destruction I dug under my bed. Little details such as actually succeeding in getting away with my brutal plot and escaping a long prison sentence during which I would undoubtedly become the "Bitch" to some fat guy named Frank with a hairy back. Not to mention the horrible guilt which will consume me after I've overcome my blind rage and realized I have killed off one of the only people who understands and supports what I am and has been unshakably loyal. But whatever, that'll be a cinch to work around I'm sure.

The horrid betrayal that lump of human filth I once called a friend has inflicted on me was totally on purpose, too, because he was very aware I was deeply in love with pretty-girl-whose-name-I forgot and his make-out session with her had nothing to do with his extreme attractiveness but more to do with hurting me! I am most defiantly in love with pretty-girl-whose-name-I-forgot because those 3 or 4 words we shared definitely made me see she was so much more than a pretty faced slut bag but also a very deep person whose seen a hard road full of drug abuse, prostitution, and bad pop songs.

Alright, I'm done being out of character for now, I'll think I'll remove myself from my lair and read a nice book. TTFN!

_Remus_

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Review, please? I'll post more if you do! :DD


	5. Truth or Shiny Things

The next morning passed with nothing of consequence because the writer is too lazy to think of filler. By that evening, Sirius was thoroughly bored with his new girlfriend and his current situation. He gathered his five fellow protagonists together to come up with a solution for the glaring tedium.

"Let's play Truth or Dare!" Melanie shrieked. The others blankly stared back at her. "Don't tell me you don't know how to play Truth or Dare," she scoffed, "We always play it in America! You Brits are so behind the times…"

(Insert long-winded game explanation here.)

Once everyone was properly informed of the rules of the game, Sirius began spinning in furious circles with his eyes squeezed shut in order to select the person who would administer the first truth or dare.

This method of selection proved to be more than a little dangerous; Sirius became a bit over-enthusiastic with his position as selector and spun in circles so rapidly that he ended up smacking a random fourth year full in the face, knocking over two tables, and somehow setting the drapes on fire before falling haphazardly over the back of the couch. This fall also caused Sirius to wallop James in the back of the head and send his glasses soaring towards Beth's cavernous cleavage. The poor spectacles where saved just before they where sucked into the yawning abyss by Remus, who happened to walk in front of them at the last second. James glared down at Sirius as he accepted his glasses from Remus, who looked shocked, either at because he was just struck by flying glasses or because it had caused him to briefly lunge forward into Beth's chest and quite accidentally cop a major feel.

"I gather that makes me first" James said coolly.

Sirius grinned and righted himself so he was no longer half in James lap and half on the floor before nodding enthusiastically. Completely ignoring the chaos behind him as students crawled from beneath toppled tables, the fourth year cried out that their nose was most definitely broken, and the drapes where consumed by fire, James glanced around the group before shoving Sirius onto the floor, enabling him to drag Jasmine across the couch and into his lap. He arranged his features to be as horribly sappy as possible before speaking.

"All right Snuggly-Poo, Truth or Dare?" James cooed to Jasmine, eyeing Lily every word or two to gauge her reaction.

"Cupcake!"

"Truth it is, Sunshine Muffin! Alright, let's see… Do you loooove me?" He dragged out the word unnecessarily to make the statement all the more aggravating. Sirius groaned; Remus looked as if he were about to grab his Uzi again. Jasmine screwed up her face in concentration.

"Umm… Like… Umm… refrigerator!" she gasped suddenly, clapping her hands in delight at the looks of utter horror on the six faces staring back at her. Satisfied with her answer, Jasmine turned to Sirius and gasped again.

"OHMIGOD TRUTH OR DARE?!"

Sirius jumped in fright at her outburst of stupidity. "Uh… Dare?"

Jasmine thought long and hard, her face turning various shades of purple during the process due to the abnormal amount of brain activity. She gasped.  
"I, like, dare you to, like, shave your, like, head!" she giggled after gasping again.

"Eh, fair enough," Sirius shrugged, taking the razor Beth had discovered in her cleavage. He worked slowly, watching his long flowing raven locks fall to the floor one by one until nothing remained of his pride and joy but a crumpled pile of hair on the common room rug.

"I can't, like, believe you, like, actually, like, did that!" Jasmine gasped. Sirius did not reply, but simply pulled his wand from his back pocket and pointed it at the follicle pile. As he flicked his wand gently upward, the hairs returned to their former position on his flawless head. Jasmine gasped.

"Oh yeah, I forgot we can do magic," James mused, ignoring his girlfriend's incessant gasping, "Do you think we'll ever use it again in this story?"

"Probably not," Sirius replied knowingly, before turning his attention to Melanie. "You… uh. You…girl, with the name…"

"I PICK DARE BECAUSE I'M FROM AMERICA AND THAT OBVIOUSLY MAKES ME OUTGOING," Melanie pulled her emergency spangled banner from Beth's bosom and waved it vigorously, staring at Sirius with a patriotically crazed expression.

"Uh, right. I dare you to… dance like the slut you so obviously are for the entire common room," Sirius challenged, and the occupants of the now-destroyed Gryffindor tower cheered in response despite their various wounded appendages and second-degree burns. Melanie smiled confidently, returning her flag to its previous residence, and produced an iPod in its place, much to the confusion of the entire population of the 1970s. Setting it to shuffle, she settled on Britney Spears' 2001 hit song "I'm A Slave 4 U" and began to dance provocatively amongst the cushioned armchairs.

Melanie climbed atop the only remaining standing table and threw off her glittering lavender robe revealing a bright orange tube top and low slug jeans that were unsuccessfully hiding her thong. The reveal of her scantily clad body only had an effect on Remus, who buried his head in a book, unable to process the reveal of so much skin at once in his hormone-clouded, British-school-boy mind, and chose to view the dance in short glances over the pages.

The others appeared nonplussed by the strip tease ensuing in front of them, as Sirius yawned widely and contented himself to stare at Beth's chest, and James continued to mutter annoying pet names at Jasmine (though he now abandoned any attempt to be subtle about the reason he had Jasmine in his lap and was blatantly staring at Lily, not even bothering to look at his girlfriend as he spoke). Lily, who was trying as hard as possible not to have any dialogue in this chapter, was regretting her involvement in this ulteriorly motivated game. She fidgeted uncomfortably in her spot on the rug between Beth and the empty space previously occupied by the pole-dancing Melanie, trying to process the complexities of her now-girly, non-James-hating new self. Her eye twitched involuntarily at every sappy nickname that fell upon her ears as the Casablanca theme song replayed over and over in her befuddled mind.

The song came to a close and the members of Gryffindor tower hooted wildly. Melanie jumped down from the table and walked to her iPod, picking it up and selecting another song.

"You guys want another show?" she asked, flipping her shining ebony hair over her shoulder. Her captive audience began a steady chant of 'Take it off!'.  
She looked around at the rest of the group, who all chose to ignore her completely except for Moony, who raised his head above his book to state in his most proper British accent: "Crank that shit."

Melanie reclaimed her place on the table as "Gold Digga" began to pound out of the speakers. After three more songs and a few twenties shoved into her thong Melanie stepped down from the table for good to actually rejoin the game.

"Thanks for the useless, American, muggle currency!" she cried, waving the twenties in the directions of her now dissolving audience before she turned to choose the next player. Remus cowered behind his book, causing her sparkly pink eyes to alight upon him.

"Remus! Truth or dare?" she asked, forcibly removing the book from his grasp and tossing it across the room, where it stuck the fourth year with the broken nose full in the face again, giving him a brilliant black eye to match his bloody olfactory organ.

"Truth?" Remus replied timidly, accompanied by a loud groan from Sirius.

"Come on, Moony. Stop being such a woman,"

"Okay," Remus conceded, removing his bustier top and long brunette wig and stowing them away in Beth's shirt, "Dare,"  
Melanie adjusted her sparkling purple robe on her slender shoulders and searched her mind for the most embarrassing, humiliating, mortifying, revolting, out-of-character dare she could come up with. Then it hit her like a bolt of electricity from Remus' half-constructed torture chair under his bed. She gasped, which in turn caused Jasmine to fall into a gasping fit only remedied by James giving her a watermelon sucker from Beth's extensive cleavage.

"I dare you to kiss Sirius!" Melanie shrieked amid the many looks of bewilderment now aimed in her direction due to her avid shrieking and the ludicrous suggestion. "Come on guys, it's perfectly acceptable in America,"

Sirius and Remus looked at each other in purely platonic horror.  
"But we don't wanna…"

AUTHOR INTERJECTION!!!1!11!!one!!1!1  
Suddenly, two girls burst through the portrait hole as all outside narration ceased to exist.

Remus: "Who are you guys?"  
Paige: "Um.. Ravenclaws…"  
Sirius: "Oh , okay. Wait, how did you get into our common room?"  
Tessa: "Hey, who's writing the story here, Black? Just kiss."  
Sirius: "But-"  
Paige: "Come on, you guys are being so totally ook in a way not ook story."  
Tessa: "Yeah, I mean- wait, ook?"  
Paige: "Yeah, you know, 'ook', like 'o-o-c'?"  
Tessa: "No, honey…"  
Remus: "Um… random Ravenclaws so desperately in love with us that they live vicariously through our fictional lives, can we get back to the current situation?"  
Tessa: "Oh, yeah right. You two were about to enjoy a passionate, romantic kiss."  
Paige: "Or snog, as the Brits like to say."  
Sirius; "But we aren't-"  
Tessa: "If you don't, millions of desperate fan girls everywhere will cry."  
Sirius: "Fangirls?!"  
Remus: "Well I certainly don't want to make anyone cry…"

As narration resumed, Sirius turned to Remus slowly, studying his expression of suppressed passion (a stark contrast to the horror-stricken one that had preceded it). Remus reached out timidly and brushed his fingertips over the smooth skin of his friend's jaw, transfixed by the subtle curve of the lips, the dignified rise of the cheekbones. He allowed Sirius to take the lead, giving himself over to the newfound urges coursing through his body as a strong arm snaked its way around his waist and pulled him close. Their eyes met, sparkling with desire, and time seemed to halt in the moment lids slid closed and lips slid together, sending them tumbling into fervent bliss. Competing sensory inputs catapulting through their bodies, Sirius and Remus gave to each other the darkest secrets of their hearts, burning brightly in the sea of passion contained between their entwined arms.

As they broke apart, Sirius gazed in wonder down at Remus' own shining eyes, both coming to the same glorious conclusion.  
"I have no sexual attraction to you whatsoever," they muttered simultaneously.

Sirius returned to his seat nonchalantly, as though it were perfectly normal for a straight male to snog his best friend senseless and then return to staring at a woman's bosom. Remus cleared his throat to snap James, who had watched the entire spectacle in silent horror, back to the game. Focusing his attention on Beth, who chose 'truth', Remus voiced the question that had been weighing on everyone's mind for the entire duration of the chapter.

"Are those real?" he asked, gesturing towards her chest sheepishly.

"Well, of course they are. What kind of girl do you think I am?" Beth replied, toying with the several million dollars worth of diamonds dripping from her necklace. "Daddy likes to spoil me."

"I don't have a Daddy!"  
Melanie broke into a fake chorus of sobs, only ceasing the lamentation of her dearly departed father once Sirius stopped looking in his compact long enough to pat her consolingly on the head. After that, she was fine.

"Whose turn is it again?" Beth asked, remembering the whole point of the chapter. "Oh, right. Mine," She turned an icy azure indigo cornflower cerulean sapphire blue eye in Lily's direction. "Say, Lils… Truth or Dare?"

Lily begrudgingly delivered her first line of dialogue in this chapter.  
"Truth,"

Beth smiled evilly. "I think we should make this a bit more interesting…" She produced a bottle of extremely rare and extremely illegal Veritaserum from in between her boobs and tackled Lily to the ground, viciously forcing the crystal clear potion down her best friend's throat. Dusting herself off matter-of-factly, Beth dealt the fatal blow.

"What do you think of James?"  
Lily, who had been moments away from duct-taping her mouth shut to avoid any further verbalization in this chapter, blurted out the answer like a whore in church.

"I think he has become rather sensitive, caring and morally-centered.. And his visage is quite aesthetically pleasing!"  
And then Lily Evans did the only thing appropriate for a free-thinking, intelligent, independent woman such as herself to do after just revealing her wanton not-hate for someone most definitely deemed entirely hate-worthy. She ran.

The spectacularly tactful Sirius was the first to break the silence.  
"So… now that we're on the topic of confession… I'm sorry Melanie, but I've just been using you to fulfill my manwhore urges while biding my time thinking of a way to attract the sluttier and blonder Beth."  
"You're breaking up with me?"  
"Um.. Yeah."  
"After all we shared?"  
"We've been going out for like, eighteen hours."  
"I thought I meant something to you!"  
A loud smack resounded through the common room as Melanie introduced the back of her hand to Sirius' face. She then turned on her heel, pop-lock-and-dropped it, and, sobbing, pirouetted her way out the portrait hole.

"I can't believe you think I'm a slut!"  
Beth had risen in fury from her seat next to Lily. She looked wild and crazed, like an ferocious Amazon woman preparing to feast on the flesh of a captured computer science nerd, but very prettily so. She rushed at Sirius and clubbed him upside the head with one of her adorable patent leather peep-toe pumps. Beth then followed the trend of the two other girls before her and hobbled out of the common room sans shoe, as Sirius was now clutching it in his hands looking thoroughly delighted.

"Shiny things!"

Jasmine, completely ignorant of the utter chaos unfolding before her due to her blatant stupidity, had just noticed the rather pleasing visual effects the light from the fireplace made on the large windows, and proceeded to run towards the nearest one at full speed. Before any of the remaining three onlookers could distract her with a cookie, Jasmine leapt through the eleventh story window with a deafening crash, belly-flopping into the darkness below.

James, on the other hand, was completely unconcerned about his free-falling love interest and was preparing to sprint off after Lily. Remus' voice snapped him back to the current situation.

"Mate, aren't you going to check on you're girlfriend? I think she's dead…"  
"Oh, yeah, right…" James rushed to the window sill and yelled out into the darkness, "I'm sorry it had to be this way, it's not you, it's me!!" He then whirled around and hurtled after his new love interest.

Sirius and Remus stood awkwardly alone in the vast common room. They turned to face each other, staring deeply into the other's eyes.

"I call the blonde!" Sirius shouted, racing out the portrait hole with Remus at his heels, who was off to console Sirius' now ex-girlfriend and hopefully initiate some hot, passionate werewolf sex.


End file.
